One Pastor: Hmmmm. Really?

The Guy: At first, it didn’t seem like a thing, you know…just colleagues lifting themselves up. One day, she just asked me if I needed anything at the shop as she was going lunch-shopping, and I told her to grab me a sandwich.

The Lady: (Giggling) And I bought him his favourite sandwich without telling me which to buy.

The Guy: (Nodding) Yep, yep…we just clicked straight like that. (They held hands)

One Pastor: So when precisely did you start dating, or when you got engaged or when you decided that this is a ‘love’ matter?

The Lady: That’s really hard to tell pastor. We kinda blended together.

The Guy: Yea. True. (Nodding)

The Lady: I think we basically just fused together. This was when I had issue with my accommodation and I needed to relocate. I was almost getting stranded as no estate agent was trusting me with their property. And Tokz too was trying to move to a quieter location. And one thing led to another…we ended up renting a studio flat together.

The Guy (Tokz): Best thing that ever happened to us.

One Pastor: Erm…wait…who is the landlord or the landlady, and who is the tenant? What kind of tenant-ship arrangement did you put in place?

The Guy (Tokz): (Looked lost) I don’t think I got that bit. Landlady? What arrangement?

One Pastor: I was asking if you guys as just work colleagues…friendly…and probably fond of each other’s presence with holy-choosing sandwich, had any arrangement put in place for the studio flat before getting it?

The Lady: Erm…not at all. We were both looking for accommodations, and it made sense to put our resources together and rent one together.

The Guy (Tokz): Yeah, the move helped us to save money and to help us to know ourselves better.

One Pastor: Hmmm. So you didn’t get to know yourselves enough at the work place, you upgraded it to post-work-hours know-yourselves-better deal? A studio flat…who sleeps in the bedroom and who sleeps in the living area? Does anyone sleep on the floor

(Both looked at each other as if they had entered a Babalawo’s nest).

The Lady: We don’t follow sir. Not sure we understand where you are going with this? I don’t understand sir. Tokz?

(Tokz looked bewildered)

One Pastor: Hmmm. Okay. Have you been playing daddy and mummy game already?

23 seconds silence.

One Pastor: Let me help you. How long have you been living together in this studio flat?

The Guy (Tokz): 7 years.

The Lady: Actually this is the 8th year sir.

One Pastor: So you have been having sex together under the same roof for 8 years.

The Guy (Tokz): Wow pastor. That’s too direct and a bit unsettling.

One Pastor: Why is it unsettling? At least I asked you in an indirect manner if you have been doing daddy and mummy together while making sure no baby comes out of it to disturb you.

The Lady: We just thought that’s a bit personal and private for us.

One Pastor: I am sorry if that’s how it looks like to you. When you called me to ask for sessions for pre-marital counselling, and I told you I am a Christian and a pastor, you both said fine. What were you expecting?

The Guy (Tokz) But you never told us you would ask us sensitive questions like you are doing now.

One Pastor: How many counsellors have you previously approached in the past?

The Guy (Tokz) None. Except our church…pastor.

One Pastor: Why are you not using your pastor to do this session for you then?

The Lady: He was Tokz’s pastor until recently, and big brother to my ex. So he was not favourably disposed to us.

The Guy (Tokz): He told me he was not comfortable with us and we should find another. I believed it was because his younger brother was once KK’s ex.

One Pastor: Who is KK?

The Guy (Tokz): Kike

The Lady: It’s me sir. Kikeoluwa Sarah. Sorry you only know me as Sarah.

One Pastor: So KK, what happened to your ex?

The Lady (KK): He went on to marry a lady, and 3 years later, they divorced. He has been hopping from one lady to another since then. I would have made a huge mistake with him.

One Pastor: Hmmmm, so, the mercy of God did not allow that to happen to you. You did not hop from one man to another man. Nonetheless, you have been doing daddy and mummy with Tokz for the past 8 years.

Silence Silence Silence

One Pastor: Why did you think you got a better deal than your ex? Before God, you are both sinners acting saintly before Him.

The Lady (KK): The Fxxk. Wha…

One Pastor: Sorry, you can’t use that word or any other swear word. Please.

The Lady (KK): Sorry… I was just wondering we have been faithful to each other, we both love everything about each other, we have lived together as partners for 8 years. We are both committed to our future plans, our families know all about us.

The Guy (Tokz): Should we even be doing this?

One Pastor: Exactly. You see, I am saving you time and pointing you in the right direction. Honestly, I would want you both to end up marrying each other. I believe in the marriage institution, and I really want you to prove the world wrong, but there is a spiritual DNA that is wired up in me that wants to make sure that you get it right and that your foundation is stainless.

The Guy (Tokz): So why judging us then sir?

One Pastor: Are you both born again believers? Not just church going?

Silence Silence Silence

One Pastor: If you really want to go ahead with your wedding in September, go on, you don’t need any counselling. You have already married yourselves without your parents and God’s agents in attendance.

Somber silence and chill

The Guy (Tokz): We have always lived right. We really love each other.

One Pastor: So why didn’t you put the ring in her finger 8 years ago? Why didn’t you get married 8 years ago. You could have done it even in the registry! I could have done it for you. If you are indeed born again, you are like this book I bought in Waterden Road back in 2006 August Conference of KICC – Single, Saved and Having Sex. I will put ‘Sinners’ at the back of it – Single, Saved and Having Sex like Sinners. Very good book.

The Lady (KK): Are you now suggesting sir that we cannot marry again because of our mistake?

One Pastor: No and Yes. No, because I am not God and you are not children. I am not your parents, and you are not pretending to be born again believers. So I would take you like normal clients of the world. Yes, God can if you are truly born again, and have repented. All you now have to do is ask for God’s mercy.

The Guy (Tokz): So if we want to get it right, as true believers, without blemish, we will have to cancel the wedding plan? Or is it the marriage?

One Pastor: Correct. It seems you are waking up to the gospel truth you have always suppressed. Something tells me you were raised by pastoral parents. They are still praying for you. Probably your mum. I think your dad has passed on. He probably passed before you met KK. You are the disobedient child of your mother that she is praying for everyday.

The Lady (KK): Whaaaaaat the F…

One Pastor: I will slap you if you finish that.

The Lady (KK): Oooh my days I am so sorry sir. Who told you that?

The Guy (Tokz): (Teary) Tell me what to do sir.

The Lady (KK): Seriously? Are you kidding me? Are you considering throwing away our 8 years together just like that. Pastor, please, you can’t tell him to do this. Please tell him he can’t throw our 8 years together. Please….Tokunboh…Tokz.

The Guy (Tokz): I am not throwing anything away. I love you and I want to be with you, but I want us to get it right. How did he know about my dad. Yesterday was the anniversary of his passing and he pulled it out just like that. How did he know? What can I do sir? What can we do?

One Pastor: Acknowledge you have been living together as sinners. Ask God for forgiveness and mercy. You should move out as well and rent another place to stay until your wedding. Leave KK in that apartment. If you have not been able to save enough money to buy a mortgage by now, you can as well stay apart for the next few months. Shift your wedding date if you can. Go back to your church and start the process of doing it right with your local pastor. Go back to parents and families and explain to them that you are still together as per your plans, but you want to do it the right way for righteousness sake. And then, no more sex. No more sex until you are blessed in God’s presence. Can you do that?

The Guy (Tokz): I believe we can. You struck a chord with me, and I know we would have done it the right way if my dad hadn’t passed on.

The Lady (KK): (Nodding) Yeah, I believe so too. A part of us knew all along that something was missing. Though, it’s not like we do the sex thing everyday or every time, but we understand your point. Thank you very much sir. Wow. You got me scared though.

One Pastor: Well, it’s God. So before we pray, let’s do a quick recap of our first explosive session. KK, swear or curse words cost £20. I might get rich overnight on your account alone. So, what are the points to work on against our next session if you are still happy to see me again.

The Guy (Tokz): I think what we needed all along was the truth….you never held back from it. We will stick with you. Thank you sir.


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